I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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