i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
