I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
