I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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