You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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