Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
