Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
