Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
