I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
