my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
