1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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