the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Don't make out with my wife yet
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
