OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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