woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
