I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
