Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I love you. Go after that dick
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
