The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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