I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I need to stop coming to work sober
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
