Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
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