and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
