this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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