mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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