I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
