Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
