I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
