God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
