If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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