Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
