Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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