How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
