He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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