I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
