and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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