I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
