My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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