I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
