my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I am one with the molecules
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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