also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
