Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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