so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
