I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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