he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
