dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
