just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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