So gin and wine won't be happening again
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
