Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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