Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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