If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
