i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Randomize
