I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
